Domestic Abuse: Love Is Not Pain

Domestic Abuse

Love Never Hurts

John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

Today I want to take on the subject of Domestic Abuse. It can happen to any one, despite your age, economic status, race, married and unmarried alike. Teens even suffer this when they date. The problem with abuse, the victim rarely will speak out, or even reach out in fear that the person will get worse. Many victims suffer in silence by covering their bruises, laughing when they want to cry. You may work with someone that suffers abuse. You may go to Church with someone that suffers abuse, you may even go to school with someone that suffers abuse.

The last 2 weeks my neighbor and best friend suffered at the hands of a man she went to Bible study with. I want to share her story of survival before I even go into mine.

When she met this man, she met him in Bible Study. At first he said all the right things to make her feel wonderful about herself. She started going to Church with him. On four different occasions he had even hit her. Once he hit her all night long when she would go to sleep, only because she refused to go to the door when she needed some rest. When she let him in, her night was the longest night ever. He eve had her convinced that all her friends including me, was against her and using her. After awhile, she began to believe his words until last week.  Now, she has had to take a protection order against him. He has even called me relentlessly trying to get her back, my husband has even told him not to call here, however upon knowing my husband was at work this morning, he has called. I in turn handled it legally and called the police this morning. If it was not for the years I suffered I could not have been able to know how to help her.  The following is brief story of my first marriage.

When I met my EX husband I was 19 years of age. I believed the best of everyone and believed every sad story that someone would tell me. But that would soon change. 

I met my husband at work. He was on break, reading the Bible and studying out of a Strongs Concordance. He went on to tell me how he was studying to be a preacher. I had always wanted to be a preachers wife and bought it hook line and sinker. My parents tried to warn me about him, including MANY people that knew him. However I was smitten with his charm and married him against my parents wishes.  The first 2 years were quite wonderful. It could not have been better, but upon the 3rd year things took a horrible turn to the worse.

Now there are many forms of abuse. (Verbal, isolation, physical, sexual, financial) The list can go on and on. For over 11 years, I took all forms of abuse from him. I did not tell anyone because no one would listen. All my friends abandoned me but one. Her an I are still friends to this day. Anything that would come between him and me he would eliminate. Animals, friends everything he would make sure never stayed. I lost 2 dogs, one dog almost died and a pet squirrel from a broken back. 

When the abuser feels like anything is coming before them, they work on eliminating the problem. They need complete control over the victim. They use words to intimidate and tear you down. Even going to my own parents house, if I did not leave when he told me it was time to go, he would get very angry and take it out on me.

The day I knew it was time to leave was a day this comment was made, "If you ever leave me, I think I would kill you, because you are all that I have left.

Two weeks later I left with only what I could bring with me. I never looked back. I never  have seen him again since that day.

Now after I left he still could not own up to what he did, he told everyone what he wanted them to believe to make me a awful sounding person.

It has been several years since that day. I have never had to courage to even talk about this, much less write about this horrible time in our life.

I want you to know that Love is NEVER Pain! Love will never hurt. Love builds up, not tears down.

Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Gal 5:23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
Gal 5:24 And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.
Gal 5:25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
Gal 5:26 Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.

 

If you, or anyone you know suffers from abuse of any kind, know there is help out there. There are shelters you can go to escape the abuser. They will keep you safe and do all they can to help you rebuild your life, one step at a time.

Here is a place to call to get the help you need:

Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Here is a direct link to their page.
National Domestic Violence Hotline.

http://www.ndvh.org/

Overall, I am a SURVIVOR of Domestic abuse! 

Resources:

How to spot signs of abuse.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women

http://dahmw.org/

Domestic Violence

http://dahmw.org/

 

On a side note. I have been blessed with a wonderful new husband. we have two beautiful Children together. If you can only wait on God, he will send you the man that he wants you to be with. Do not settle for any less then what God wants for your life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Parenting Key Word - "Responsibility"

"Responsibility"

Today I want to talk about this simple word... "Responsibility". This word is one of those that we are all a little guilty of overlooking in life. We will watch a show on TV where we can sit ane we will critique the actors for NOT being responsible in one way or another. We will often watch shows where families NEVER do anything together and their collective lives are in "Shambles"! I know that in my own life as a parent that far too many times I have neglected my part in this area of being "Responsible" for my own kids. In the day and age in which we live we all too often allow the TV or the Internet to be the "Baby Sitter" even though we are in the same house!!!

What does the word "Responsible" actually mean? Well, acording to Webster's Dictionary it means the following:

RESPONS'IBLE, a. from L. responsus, respondeo.

1. Liable to account; accountable; answerable; as for a trust reposed, or for a debt. We are all responsible for the talents entrusted to us by our Creator. A guardian is responsible for the faithful discharge of his duty to his ward.
 
Look at the word's that are mentioned here about this business of "Responsibility". Word's like: Accountable, Answerable, Trust, Faithful Discharge of his Duty.
 
Simply put, the word "Responsible" means that we as parents ARE "Accountable" to someone for the watchful care of our children. We are also "Answerable" to someone for what we allow our kids to do, what they watch, what they listen to, who their friends are, and the places they are allowed to go. We have been given a "Trust" by God in the raising of our children. In this Trust that we have been given, it is up to us to be "Faithful" in the care of our kids. Parents, it is our "Duty" to know what is going on in their little lives.
 
I know there are people who will argue that their kids deserve their "Personal Space". I have news for you... you are seriously asking for a heartbreak!!! Kids do not need space, they need Mom and Dad to wake up and show that they actually care about the influences that are in thier lives. Mom and Dad need to be in their kids social scene. I myself have six children, and their mother and I are both "In The Know" of who they talk on the phone with, who they text, chat, and Facebook with!
 
It is our "Responsibility" to know these things. Why just this past week our daughter, who normally asks if she can "Befriend" someone on Facebook, accepted someone that my wife and I both know, but this time she did not ask permission. Well, my wife got on her Facebook account and checked things out and sure enough she came across this person. We had to have a talk with our daughter and explain to her that this particular person, had she asked our permission, would not have been allowed to be her friend. Why?? Because this man is an alcoholic!
 
You may say this is an invasion of her private life... My daughter is 12... I believe with all my heart this is OUR, my wife and myself, it is OUR "Responsibility"!
 
I have a "God Given" Duty to raise my kids right... And guess what Parents... SO DO YOU! Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
 
Let's raise the kids God gave us in a "Responsible" manner, after all, God is watching!
 
Evangelist David J. Dunn

Movie Review "Precious"

Today I wanted to take the time to review the movie "Precious". It was about a high school girl that struggles to overcome abuse, physical, mental and sexual abuse.

During the movie, it starts out, she is in the classroom, she is in love with her teacher and fantasizes of being married to him. She is called to office, when the principle asks her if she is pregnant again. This will be her second child.

As the story unfolds, she was sexually molested by her father. The scene is very graphic. She indeed is pregnant with him. As she gets home, her mother abuses her physically. (Once again, very graphic scenes)

In the end she has the baby, but when she comes home from the hospital, the mother holds the baby, drops the baby and the girl barely escapes with no harm done to baby and little harm to her. Friends and teachers come to her aid to find her a place to live.  Her mother decides to get in touch with her, only to find out that the mother let this sexual abuse go on since the child was born, and why she assaulted and hated her own daughter.

 

I could go on with the story plot, but in all honesty, that is enough of that. I want to go to the things in this movie that was so disturbing.

This movie won many awards. However,

1. There was so much language that I lost tally of the profanity only minutes into the movie.

2. The rape scene was very graphic

3. Violence was over the top.

The only good thing I saw, was she indeed kept the baby. The way she would escape from reality was through fantasy. Fantasy will not help us to deal with overcoming those ordeals in our life. People going through abuse, be it young girls, Children or adults NEED COUNSELING, Not a fantasy world.

They did not even give numbers for abuse, or information of how to get help.

As a Christian Mother, this is not a movie I would recommend to anyone. It took me days to even figure out how to even blog on this one as I could not put the movie into words.

I would like to see a movie like this in a cleaned up version that kids this age COULD WATCH. I know things like this goes on every day. People like "Precious" ARE out there.  So this movie could have been better. You can say, "There is Hope" without all redundant profanity. I true message of hope would even give titles or credits of where to get the help you need.

Life In the Womb..a Story of a loss of A child and More.

The Loss of a Unborn Child
By Paula Chapman

Many women every day miscarry a child. It is a pain that runs deep for years. The following is the story of my unborn child that awaits me in Heaven.

Last week was the 37th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. Which gives women the right to choose to terminate a pregnancy legally. A decision which has led to the death of so many unborn children. Many feel that a baby is simply a host, with no emotion, no feeling and no rights. How sad America kills hundreds and thousands of children each day.

However, I will never forget the struggle for life my son, fought to come into the world, and he lost the battle.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was happy beyond measure. Everything was going so well with the pregnancy. I had my check ups regularly and he was growing as he should. His first movement in the womb was breathtaking to say the least. It was like tiny butterflies. I could not help but laugh when I first felt his movement. But that laughter would soon turn to tears.

One day I carried in groceries and had to sit down. Intense cramps and pain, followed by bleeding. I was rushed to the hospital and they were able to stop the bleeding. I was sent home to follow up with my doctor.

When I went to the doctor they ran several tests and I was instructed to go home and rest. A day later, I got the call from Dr. Adams.
“Paula, this is Dr. Adams.”
I knew before she called that time was running out. It was something you felt, and something you knew.
My only response to her was, “He is dying isn’t he?”
She confirmed he was, and instructed me what to do when the bleeding began again.

It was a day later, I was rushed back to the hospital. They had to do a emergency DNC and a day later I was able to come home.

I will never forget being wheeled out of the hospital the feeling of, “I want my baby!” Sadness, emptiness, anger, loneliness.

My mother seemed to be the only one that understood how I felt at the time as she put her arms around me and told me to cry. I did a lot of crying. Truth of the matter is, I still cry today.

If you have ever lost a child, you need to grieve that child as you would one that even was able to come into the world. Just because he or she never took his first breath, does not mean, it is less important then one that has.

Those friends that was there for me to support me, I can not thank enough. One was a friend named Melissa. A friend that has always been there for me through the years, closer then a sister. Another was Jannell. She sent me the most lovely poem. I would type it out, however I have no idea where I have put it.

It has been proven that babies to feel pain, they can hear sound and feel your emotions from within the womb.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd and 3rd child, when I would be upset, they would tighten up.

My Daughter was even told she would never enter into the world and I was urged to abort her. There was blood in the womb upon finding out I was pregnant with her. It was a high risk pregnancy where I had to stay off my feet for 9 months. However, today she is a smart and wonderful 9 year old girl.

Sadly with the right to choose, so many children will never take their first breath.

These children did not ask to be born, however, they have been forced to die as a matter of convenience. Only God should choose who is to live, and who is to die. Not us.

Here are some resources that make good reading on this topic.
http://www.rebeccakiessling.com/Othersconceivedinrape.html

http://www.pahomeschoolers.com/messages/22613.html (Flordia Gators Tebow, his mother was urged to abort him, she refused.

Why Build Walls Around Our Children?

As much as I hate to state the simple truth, but the answer is plainly so that we can provide some degree of protection for them.

Take a look at this picture...

I can well remember the times that we would as kids, be travelling with my parents somewhere in the North during the winter months as my Dad would be preaching a Revival meeting. As "Fate" would have it, there would always be kids in these churches who were "Professional Snowball Chucker's"! Now here we were My brother, sister and myself, the three of us against most of a youth department! (Yep... They ganged up on us cause we were the "Evangelist's Kids"!!!!) You know how they say that "Life Ain't Fair"??!! Yes sir, we learned the truth of that little nugget of life very early on!

So, here we are trying to get my "Prissy" sister Debra to pack snowballs together while my brother Mike and I are fighting for our very lives on the Battlefield of the Christian Snow Warriors. All Debra could do was complain that her tiny hands were "Freezing"! (You know how sisters can be.)

I remember one church in particular, where we were out numbered, out gunned and they were working on a "Huge Wall" to Launch these half "Ice Ball", half Snow Missiles at us. We were getting "Hammered" to death!!!! So I did the only thing that I could do besides lay down and be buried under a ton of snow and ice! I called for a 15 minute "Cease Fire". As soon as they stopped "Raining" those "Hail Stones" down on top of us, the three of us started "Scooping" and "Packing" snow into a 3 sided Fort wall!!! Then we went back to making "Ammo" for the Slaughter!

I want you to know that the wall we built lasted the whole week of Revival, and when it came time for us to pack up and head back home to Chattanooga, TN. the kids of the church wanted to keep it up and use it after we were gone... However, my brother Mike and I knocked it down before we left. Why you may ask... well, in our opinion, they didn't deserve such a "Cool" Fort!!!!!

I know this is a funny way to talk about protecting our kids, but if you just take a moment... it really does make sense! We were getting killed without the protection that the wall afforded us. Not only were we able to hold our own all week long but there were many a night that week that the three of us were in fact "Victorious!

Look at it like this... The wall gave us not only protection, but it also made our small number of 3 kids able to do much more in a snowball fight than we ever did out in the open! Parents... Teenagers and all kids. Listen to me for a few moments. Mom and Dad, your Pastor, Youth Pastor they all place "Rules" and "Regulations" on you for a really good reason... Safety for one. Protection and also to give you the means to be able to stand against the temptations of this life. The Peer Pressure factor can be handled if you already know the "Walls" are there, they are Strong and They are not likely to be moved by that authority figure.

Folks, I can remember as a teenager how "Useless" I thought those "Walls" were that my parents and Youth Pastor placed in front of and around me. I thought it was stupid to have them there, however, I can sit here before God and testify that if it had not been for those walls... I would be Dead or In Prison for the rest of my Life!

Teenager, don't despise the "Walls"... instead Thank your parents and Pastors for placing them there. Young Lady, don't you know what a treasure it is for you to be able to wait for Marriage before having intimate relations. Young Man, It takes a "Real Man" to abstain and be pure before God in relationships.

Don't hate the "Walls" Thank God that they are there.

Deuteronomy 13:4 - "Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him. "

This is just something for us to think about.

God Bless,

Evangelist David Dunn

More on Gaming and Violence

Please take the time to educate yourself as a parent by reading this article.

I will copy and paste the article here from the University of Indiana School of Medicine.

December 2, 2002
Aggressive Youths, Violent Video Games Trigger Unusual Brain Activity

INDIANAPOLIS - Exposure to violent media may affect the brains of youths with aggressive tendencies differently than the brains of non-aggressive youths, according to research at the Indiana University School of Medicine.

The results of the study conducted by the Departments of Radiology and Psychiatry were released Monday, Dec. 2, at the 88th Scientific Assembly and Annual Meeting of the Radiological Society of North America in Chicago.

The brain activity of aggressive adolescents diagnosed with disruptive behavior disorders (DBD) is different from that of other adolescents when both groups viewed violent video games, as demonstrated by the study. Brain function was measured by functional MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) scans.

"Initial evidence from the study demonstrates that adolescents with disruptive behavior disorders have different frontal lobe activation patterns than teens without the disorder," said principal investigator Vincent P. Mathews, M.D., professor of radiology and chief of neuroradiology at the IU School of Medicine. "In other words, fMRI scans show less brain activity in the frontal lobe while the youths with DBD watch violent video games. The frontal lobe is the area of the brain responsible for decision-making and behavior control, as well as attention and a variety of other cognitive functions."

"This is the first evidence that adolescents with aggressive, disruptive behavior disorders have brain activation patterns that are different from non-aggressive adolescents while watching video games," said William G. Kronenberger, Ph.D., associate professor of psychiatry and a co-investigator on the study.

Disruptive behavior disorders are separated into two behavioral disorders, one characterized by persistent rule breaking and resistance to the limits of authority. The other consists of significant violations of the basic rights of others and includes such actions as destruction of property, theft, truancy, human or animal cruelty and fire-setting. This study does not differentiate between the two.

The research, conducted over a 24-month period, had teens with DBD and teens without DBD watch a car racing video game that had excitement without violent content and a James Bond video game that had excitement and violent content. While watching the video games, the youths were scanned with fMRI to determine changes in brain activity.

The researchers also found that among subgroups of the non-aggressive adolescents there were differences in brain function dependent upon the amount of violent media exposure that they reported experiencing on television and in video games during the past year.

"There appears to be a difference in the way the brain responds depending on the amount of past violent media exposure through video games, movies and television," Dr. Mathews explained. "These early findings confirm there is a difference in the brain activation patterns of youths with DBD and those without when exposed to a specific stimulus. There also may be a relationship between violent media exposure and brain activity in normal subjects."

"These results indicate what part of the brain should be studied in future, more controlled research studies," said Dr. Kronenberger.

Other IU researchers involved with the study are Mark Lowe, Ph.D., Tie-Qiang Li, Ph.D., Yang Wang, M.D., and David Dunn, M.D.

Funding for this study was provided by the Center for Successful Parenting.

###

Media Contact: Mary Hardin
IU School of Medicine
317-274-7722
mhardin@iupui.edu

How to know what Games your kids play.

I must admit, growing up in the age of Atari..I loved video games. But things have far moved past the days of "Pong".

I recently bought a game that was rated "T" For teens. I was very excited at the prospect of playing a wonderful action adventure when suddenly out of nowhere there was profanity in the game.

Granted another problem was searching for Thor's hammer. We as Christains are to put no other god before Our God.

This game was the newest relase of Laura Croft.. scantily dressed, and ready for action.

Yet, many parents that do not play games may buy a game like this or another one rated for teens and not at all know what is in the game.

Out of the many games I have tried for my children in the past year, most of them contained alcohol use. 3/4 of them used profanity.. and almost all, left little to the imagination where clothing was concerned.

So to all parents, I recommend using this site.

http://guide2games.org/

If they do not have the game listed, play it yourself. Do not in any way trust the ratings of the game on the label. As you can see from my other post, "T" Does have content not suitable for Children.

Another game I must caution you all about is
The Sims 3 Here you can see the review on it.

Remember when God lives in us.. he us subject to what we put in front of Him. That alone should be enough to convict us what is right and wrong for our children and for us as well.

How violent Media Affects the Brain from Focus on the Family.

media influence
How Violent Media Affects the Brain
by Steve Jordahl
The blank look on a teen's face when watching a game like "WWF Smackdown" might be a reflection of what's going on in his brain — and a warning sign of things to come.

Indeed, for several years child psychologists have been warning parents about the dangers of repeated exposure to violent video games. Now, there may be medical evidence to back their claims.

Researchers in Indiana have measured the effects on a brain scan. The study's principal investigator, Dr. Vincent Mathews, said prolonged exposure to violence actually affects brain function and behavior.

"The parts of the brain we looked at are the frontal lobes — the areas of the brain that are involved in emotional control, inhibition of behavior and that sort of thing," Mathews said. "The idea is that those parts of the brain don't work as well (after prolonged exposure to violence), and because of that they don't control their behavior as well."

Given an adolescent's natural hormonal mood swings, adding a steady diet of violence is like pouring gasoline on a fire, according to Dr. David Walsh, of the National Institute on Media and the Family.

"There are two things going on," Walsh said. "One is the anger is getting amplified by the ... repetitious acts of violence in the game; then at the same time the buffer to that is less active."

He said the content of most popular games today has no positive value and might shock most parents.

"What good could possibly come from having a 15-year-old spend hours and hours and hours decapitating people and organizing drug rings and murdering prostitutes?" Walsh asked.

More than two-thirds of all children live in a home with a video game system.

To find out more about the study, see the Web site for the Indiana University School of Medicine. http://www.medicine.indiana.edu/news_releases/archive_02/violent_games02.html

Copyright © 2002 Focus on the Family.

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Video Game Ratings Explained

I wanted to post this article on ratings for video games. Please be sure to visit the page of which I Have gotten these ratings from.
I will share more on video games in a follow up post.

media influence
Video Game Ratings Explained
by Dr. Bill Maier
The average American child spends 44.5 hours a week in front of a screen, and 83 percent have a video-game console.1 Many have several kinds of game systems, and this form of entertainment is growing steadily for both children and adults.

Because video games are so pervasive, parents need to be involved and informed. A useful parental tool is the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) rating system:

EC (early Childhood): Content is suitable for ages three and up.
E (everyone). Content is suitable for ages six and up.
T (teen). Content is suitable for ages 13 and up. May contain mild language, violence, and sexually suggestive themes. Parents should use discretion.
M (mature). Identification required for purchase. Games rated M are sold only to gamers over the age of 17. Material in this category may include sexual themes, violence, and strong language.
AO (adults only). Identification required for purchase. These games are restricted to persons over 18 and are often sold only in specific game stores. Material may include graphic sexual scenes, strong language, and intense violence.2 Seriously consider whether this material is appropriate even for you or your spouse.
Remember, as the parent you want to model good decision making to your children. In spite of the availability of ratings, 90 percent of teens say their parents "never" check the ratings before allowing them to buy or rent video games.3

Control is the key. The video-game phenomenon can add to your family's life if used in a controlled setting, or it can invade your home and take over the lives of vulnerable family members.

1 "MediaWise® Video and computer Game Report Card/A Ten Year Overview," The National Institute on Media and the Family. http://www.mediafamily.org/research/report_10yr_overview.shtml.
2 "ESRB Game Ratings," Game Rating and Descriptor Guide, http://www.esrb.com/esrbratings_guide.asp.
3 David Walsh, et al., National Institute on Media and the Family, "Interactive Violence and Children," Statement to the Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation, United States Senate, March 21, 2000.
Excerpted from Help! My Child is Hooked on Video Games, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright (c) 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Heads up on the New Transformers movie.

Now I want to make it clear I have not seen this movie. I know the transformer toys are in the Burger King Kids meals, so I did take the time to read the revies before taking our son to see the movie. I want to post the link to the review for all to see here.
Please take the time to read this review before taking your kids to see it. Negative Content.
Drug Use by a Mother
Profanity
Sexual Content
God's Name in Vain

I hope this helps some parents in knowing this is one to be cautious of.